“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” —
Eleanor Roosevelt
This includes you! Check your relationship to self in this regard as well as the possible assumption that Eleanor Roosevelt meant only relationships outside of self. The more you hold loving space for yourself, the less tolerance you will have for scenarios that cannot reflect you accurately.
For example, a comment that doesn’t align with you will roll off as if it weren’t said and the impact will become only a reflection of the person who spoke. If the comment is an internal script, you will begin to notice it as untrue from the point of an observer.
The less sponge like you are for the projections of other people and mistruths you may be conditioned with , the more quickly your interactions will shift to mirror the truth of you.
Call your reality into true resonance by loving and respecting yourself deeply. ✔️✨
A photo from last year when I was first making the change to look at myself with loving kindness in the dressing room no matter how I may be feeling in my body and whether I liked the article of clothing or not. Before this change, I would find all sorts of judgmental faces in that space made at myself I’d never make at someone else. 💕 It was one of many ripples over the last decade that shifted my relationship to self. 💖 Small changes matter. 💫
I grew up in a household that valued eating out. A lot of meals were in or from restaurants which I remember preferring as a teenager and into my twenties. I did shift gears during those teenage years to cutting red meat, pork, and fried foods when I developed an interest in keeping restaurant options to healthier choices and when I became aware of my body as an instrument. I found that when I ate healthier I felt better and I sounded better too. During my first pregnancy I let the guidelines slip as my cravings with that babe included burgers, bacon, and salsa; it was super out of character for the foods normal to me at the time but I went with it. The second pregnancy was totally different with wanting more bread, cheese, and jams and thankfully felt a bit more in line with what I may choose when not pregnant. As I shifted out of the impact of child bearing into nursing with each infant, I found myself brining in new lenses on what I was eating and what I would be feeding my children. Being responsible for their bodies too began to shift my relationship with what was on the plate and eating out. As nursing moved into a time period for me to reset my body, I found myself only wanting to reserve eating out for special occasions or if restaurant meals picked up because life was busy, sticking with salads, healthy grains, and protein to get a better handle on exactly what was in the food. I needed points of regulation and this helped me tremendously. I also picked up reading material such as different cultural relationships with food (Reading “French Woman Don’t Get Fat when I was in my late twenties gave me a lot to think about as I saw such striking differences between how I grew up relating to food in America versus what this author shares.) as well as other ideas like eating for your blood type, choosing natural sugars, whole dairy in moderation, increasing fiber, and at one point being pescatarian with my son for a year when he wanted to try this.
Considering different ways to approach my relationship with food alongside cooking at home gave me a satisfaction in caring for my body and my family in a way that didn’t happen when I was only invested in taste and ease. Sure, if the meal were executed in fine dining style, then maybe I did go at a snail’s pace savoring every bit of the way and let taste rule but there’s something exquisite in reserving that for a sometimes treat. For ordinary daily living, the act of planning what to prepare, shopping for meals, letting it be simple more often than not, going slow with the process of cooking, and then eating in our home turned into a practice of mindfulness and joy. I know that even though we are unfortunately fast eaters, this slowed at least me down. I learned to consciously bring love and care in my mind and then into my body while making the meals so that the food would be infused with good feeling energy. The entire experience of nourishing yourself and others can work as a multilayered meditative process.
Over the years, the impulse to eat out and the draw of new food novelty or familiar indulgence comforts more often than not was replaced with: “I’ll feel better after if I make it at home.” or “How can I get creative with what’s in the house and caring for myself / loved ones?” Do I still have moments of ease with ordering out and is it sometimes fried? Yes, I do and it is! Have I cut desserts? Absolutely not. I love them. ☺️ However, it’s a choice made with awareness. I don’t have rules about cutting anymore outside of heavily processed foods. These changes over the years have cultivated gratitude for the food before me. Not only did my food waste significantly fall off but I learned that there are many gifts in food prepared with love in a space that is your sanctuary.
It has come to my attention in the last weeks that living your words, holding yourself to your ideals, can come with uncharted territory – especially if your ideals are not aligned with the norm. Non judgement is the specific topic in mind. Living in a state that truly makes no judgements about people, may leave you without intuition to assist you in navigating various situations. You may feel adrift in deciding something about someone or something if you’ve moved away from the practice of making snap judgements or concluding something without definites before you. While this is disorienting at first, it also opens a space within you of allowance. Information that is accurate can be received in the space of allowance with time and openness. You may be provided with a large gap in questioning and knowing; you may find yourself months or years away from your answer, however, the answers will always come in the way you can receive them.
We are accustomed to instant gratification and to judgements. Once you begin this path of unlearning what you thought you knew and allowing each person and situation to show you who they are or what it is, I believe you can expect to be surprised by yourself and others. Will the surprises be pleasant? That depends on your attachment to the outcome. If you can practice non-judgement along with letting go of expectation while embracing your efforts to bring more light and love into this world, then the revelations cannot be unpleasant. Things just are what they are and you can greet that with open arms.
I’ve been in my drafts folder the last week or so. Here’s another post written in 2020. I mostly still agree with what I wrote then, especially the last paragraph and as for the rest I suppose the excessive wordiness led to the resolution, so I’ll accept it as necessary to my process. ☺️
Five Years Ago:
When lines become attached across various aspects of our life so that the heart and mind also become intertwined, we can feel conflict between the two. When the heart and mind are separate from one another, we can instead develop an interest in what causes conflict and resolve response to our interests. The ability to separate SELF from mind where emotions reside creates room to instead reside in the heart from where purity of right action stems.
Facing conflict can release disguise of avoidance under appropriateness. What can be learned in staying with a situation that appears to present inappropriateness or conflict of interest if you are willing to abstain from your own interests – to deeply examine those, set them aside, and let something larger than you work in your stead?
The external is a reflection of the internal. We bring about situations externally to assist us in resolving what is unseen internally. This is not intentionally manipulated to be so in most cases; it is simply the nature of our world.
If there is no conflict internally, no conflict will show externally. If a conflict arises in the external, can it merely be a reminder to release the ego or does it need to be cut away externally to appease the internal discomfort created by perceived conflict? If the ego is released will not conflict fall away on it’s own?
Perhaps there’s no such thing as conflict of interest, only mind that seeks to be in balance, and the choice of working in the external or internal so that one can reflect the other as desired. Choose the inside work, otherwise the situation will show itself to you time and time again, though the faces and setting may be varied. Growth in peace with what is, as it is, will allow you to dissolve anything external that challenges your comfort.
– from a Chihuly exhibit at The Biltmore in 2024
(Not a huge fan of the Biltmore but a very big fan of this artist & his team. 💕)
It was the anonymity. He wanted to be unknown, unpossessed by others’ knowledge of him. That was freedom.
— Ling Ma
Quite a while back I was taken by the idea of paying it forward, inspired to choose random folks and random acts of kindness whenever the mood struck me. Typically this would be expressed out and about where crossing paths again if spotted was less likely. As my personal yoga practice grew and my heart space more embodied, I began bringing the giving in closer to home as well — perhaps dropping off something unexpected here or there but staying anonymous. It was fun, there were no expectations, and no one had a person to tie in to the act of receiving so we were all free in the experience.
At one point I had my kids looped in after we first moved to our current sanctuary and we made quite the summer day of shopping for our neighbors, stuffing bags full of whatever snacks and treats a 7 and 10 year old may choose, and then driving around to the 52 mail boxes to leave the shares anonymously. We would drive a little, park, all jump out with bags and scatter, then repeat until it was complete. One or two folks saw us but what unfolded later on the neighborhood list serve was just as fun; no one who posted actually saw us though they described a vehicle and people not like us and they had a bit of entertainment speculating. It was decided we had neighborhood fairies and they were all quite happy with their bags. Over the years people have still mentioned it and just last week (9 years later) a neighbor told me she thought it was us and that she still has the stickers my kids put in the bag.
I still appreciate a sweet pay it forward moment these days and I’ve come to the place of being able to own my sharing now too, but it wasn’t always easy for me when my name was attached because of the complexities that are possible with giving and receiving.
I spoke with my counselor about these shares back when the kids and I made the best of that summer day and she suggested I do this more personally in a way where I was allowed to be seen. It wasn’t comfortable, but I leaned into who in my community may be able to receive with an open heart and set about sharing baked goods or otherwise in various scenarios. With time, this grew into steady cycles in my life of giving and receiving without strings attached. I can give, receive, stay present, and be seen with ease. In a recent instance, I dropped off a share at one home and within twenty minutes someone else from another household had left a share at my home! I really took a long joyful pause that day with how wonderful it can be to step into the flow of giving without expectation; you may not have the freedom of anonymity but you may gain a sense of rightness with life that comes from being seen by others.
I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure”. After a little fun yesterday setting up a treasure hunt with one of my children for anyone who may like a diversion in the neighborhood, I’m thinking one mans treasure is not necessarily valuable to everyone because at least the first person who found it, checked the bag and left it assembled differently. To me that’s a lovely thing too because whoever that was didn’t value what they found enough to take it along with them and if something doesn’t match up with you, it certainly need not be a part of your journey. Where our values live helps us to connect with others who hold similar views and pass when not. The little bag makes me think of relationships in another way too: how many times have you met someone, spent some time with them, and found yourself altered after time together? Maybe after checking each other out something just didn’t line up or maybe it did for a time and then it was done. C’est la vie.
When looking to understand something or someone, try to hold off on categorizing too soon. Give it time to reveal itself naturally.
We can often be mistaken in our labeling, seeing one thing that is truly something else altogether.
Perhaps that first assumption plays its part well enough but the details have their value in color, form, and saturation. If you take your time with all the information while giving every aspect breathing space and permission to be different than you thought, you may be pleasantly surprised by the freedom from limiting labels.
I have been blessed with a lens into the most beautiful support from women in the last few years that allows one to hope for a nurturing future of how we connect to one another in community. Honestly, I have been lucky to have a handful of wonderful friendships from a young age with girls who have become lovely women. I know not every woman is so fortunate, however, the choices for women are evolving. I have been part of a group of women who are absolutely dedicated to supporting each other however they show up for the love of sacred feminine energy re-emerging on this planet. That means all judgements and comparisons are dropped and competition is not entertained as necessary or desirable, and not just because a woman has aged out of being perceived as a threat; acceptance is offered with camaraderie simply because you showed up. Wow, yes to more of this!
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We all have our own paths and learn how to be in the world based on our familial exposures and that cannot escape the over culture that creates our conditioning on a larger scale. I grew up in a household of a working mother and my closest friends in elementary as well as middle school had mothers that stayed at home and maybe who decided to work when they were older, some in traditional systems and one as an artist from her own space. My mother focused on work outside the home and with time became the breadwinner of our family. It was a different dynamic than the other households of my friends. I noticed their mothers were more relaxed and perhaps happier in some regards while I knew my own mother was pleased with what she had been able to create in her life after marrying my father while still in high school. I was proud of my mom and felt she was an excellent example of dedication to making the best of your circumstances.
Years down the line, I was surprised when I found myself desiring to stay at home with my children, and I felt it created an assumed point of disappointment with my mother though now I know differently. Before this — my work as an elementary music teacher had already faced the judgement of females who had chosen careers of more influence and power. I found as I moved in the world as an early twenty something that elementary public education was not so valued by many. Parents of students were unbelievably disrespectful and colleges of my at the time husband who was studying medicine on occasion belittled the work calling it “cute” or “adorable” (never his male colleges by the way, only the females) which when I was still living from an immature ego myself, infuriated me. I felt my work was important but also that because it was with children, knew it was perceived as less valuable. This is nonsense, of course, because music works across both hemispheres of the brain to create better coordination and advanced thinking as well as providing an emotional processing platform for youth among other things. Working with children is an incredibly powerful point of shifting the future reality of humanity as we mold the subconscious and nurture belief systems with more ease at that impressionable period of life. If you want to make a change, do it within yourself and then with your children.
With my spiritual work and diligence to changing patterns within the familial line that I knew were not going to be passed on to my children and enough years staying at home to deeply accept my choice, I now no longer care how I am perceived by a woman who has chosen differently. I knew what I had to do once the children were here and I have the good fortunate of being supported in doing so for which I am eternally grateful. I didn’t want the rearing of my children in the hands of paid providers. There’s nothing like being faced with your ingrained patterns as well as those of the other parent day in and out, and work outside of your home can make the perfect escape so that outdated patterns persist. Can you work and make these changes? Yes, absolutely, if you are self aware with a want to improve, you can. Can you stay at home and ignore needed change? Yes, absolutely. Immersion made the way clear here.
These life experiences have created for me a vantage point of total support for other women in whatever they choose so long as their hearts are happy and they have the support they need in however their paths take direction. However, I sometimes still encounter a woman who carries a sharp edge in her tone for the woman who stays at home, maybe she dismisses her as less important than other woman who work or makes defensive comments for her choice. While I don’t care how I am perceived, I do care for the good of women and the connections women are able to form. If the working woman can see that the work of living everyday for every person has its inherent value regardless of the system or the kind of work — it would release her from judgement. If the woman working feels judged as somehow less of a mother or less of a woman, how far from the truth is that? It’s only as true as we give it belief. If the woman choosing to stay at home can be at peace with the work she is offering as just as valid as whatever current societal stories are pitching, we may all be able to claim our womanhood for however it fits each of us best. We are all Goddesses, as far I am concerned and we are all working, children or not.
If we could drop these judgements, how much better would we all be?
Imagine if we replaced all the judging and comparison with lifting each other up. What if we women united and allowed ourselves to be in the energy of fierce love and devotion to one another simply because we can see that’s where real influence and power can thrive for the good of us all?
Jessica, the lovely soul who began this blog with me back in 2016, reached out yesterday to share a video she found of the actor James Van Der Beek speaking on his experience of cancer and being stripped of the roles that defined his worth.
When we were in high school, Jess and I were extras in the pilot of Dawson’s Creek which became his claim to fame in the roll of a small town boy seeking a career in film making. While neither she or I watched the series in full and there was no direct exchange with this man during those days on set, we both felt a little extra jolt around death in midlife. I’m sure many folks in this age range feel the passing of a well known 40something in a certain kind of way for his familial loss and life not lived.
His vision was towards recovery during this recording and his words from the heart:
Otrespass sweetly urged! Give me my sin again. — Shakespeare
So often we look outside ourselves for something to be satiated internally. We want people to love us so that we feel a certain way or we want a thing that will help us embody a particular energy – maybe confidence or desirability. We want someone else to tell us or show us we are good enough. At the root of it all, we are seeking love and quite possibly we look for our divinity everywhere but inside. If someone else sees us in our best light or appreciates something about us, it must mean we are lovable and that can be addictive. You can find yourself chasing illusory love through achievements, big ticket items, grand experiences, or the presence of another reflecting your divine birthright of love —- or you can give that source energy to yourself and be delighted when someone else offers you the same without a sense of longing.
Longing is not in and of itself bad , (it may ultimately lead you to a spiritual path) but it can leave you feeling pretty out of sorts until you see it for what it is: an invitation to seek within, to hold yourself with what you wish to be reflected back, and to know YOU dearest one are love.
– from a Chihuly exhibit at The Biltmore in 2024
Presence and Positivity 